21.09.21 @ 05:32 pm

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浮遊感 歌ってみた【Eve】

:(

been some time since i wrote something, or did anything at all... life has been normal, but i have felt down like usual... but let's talk about good things first!!! if they are even good.

i quit my job-- well, i don't know if quit is the right word, since i had to because my granpa has been quite sick by a surgery that he had. my mom wants to see him, and he's in another state, and since my job only gives one week of 'vacation', visits with my grandpa are over 1 month there... i'm not even that interested about it, since i don't have a good relationship with him. but hey, whatever.

these days without going to work had been really good... work was fucking me over so much. i had never rested well and now that i'm out of there it feels GOOD. i saved money, so i had been alright in that aspect... for some reason, my boss would like to have me back, so he doesn't mind if i work again with him. i honestly... was almost flattered. almost. i know they like to fuck me over, and since december is coming, they need hands. but hey-- i always think bosses are like this, so it doesn't matter where a person like me go.

but i must say my mental health is not very good. mom asked me what was i going to do with my future, and i didn't know what to tell her. it really is a triggering? subject to me, but is necessary to think about it... that question did fuck me over the whole week, tho, ngl. the future has always been scary to talk about... people around me say that i should give it time, that one day i will know what to do-- but when is 'one day'? i feel like a total failure. sometimes i think of just end it all and begone. but then i think my family will go mad, specially my mom. i think about that, and i'm unable to do something. maybe that's a good thing? who knows. sometimes i desire to something or somebody just make me disappear so i don't have to do it... pretty dark. i don't see myself here in the next few years.

but when i think about doing it is quite vivid-- as if i'm really doing it. i've thought about with what, and where. i've never told anyone this, not even one of my closer friends. this is a secret that you, internet person, will only know.

i think a person like me doesn't deserve good things. i've had done bad things in the past. i was a bad person back then. i was always angry-- irritated. everyone was a pest to talk with, and i really never had an interest to keep being friends... i was very... stupid and idiotic back then. and i still am. i'm unable to keep those friendships, but i try. i try to stop being that scared idiot who doesn't know anything but being alone. and now, i'm somehow glad those people still talk to me as if i was still there. that had made me happy.

what do i do? what can i do? how can i stop myself from being so scared on what to do? many people just go with the flow without any care in the world. sometimes i feel jealous... they don't overthink, they just live.

AND, for some fucking reason, i've began to purge? the idea of always wanting to be skinny came out of nowhere these past few months. and most things i ate, i go to the bathroom and puke them? brother, lmao, i'm such a failure. i don't know where i'm heading to, honestly. maybe it is because i hate myself so much, and i always do things that harm my body.i sometimes, if not all the time, think, it's a shame somebody like me was born. haha, and yet i said to talk about positive things first... i'm stupid. all of this is, really. this entry is just a misery person talking about her misery like she always does. nothing more, nothing less. i don't need anyone to feel bad for me, because this is just the everyday. maybe i will be better tomorrow. my only cope is to write in this pretty diary, and get this off of my chest.

BUT WHATHEVER. like i always say, suffering is not for forever, right? i can't wait for that happiness to come out of nowhere. i have to get up, work my ass off, and find it. i can't just stay there and wait for something that will not come. i truly don't know what to do with my life, but i will do something for the meantime to learn more.

maybe one day i will just disappear, and this site will never be updated again. maybe one day i will not be here, but maybe it's because i knew what to do and my life would be busier.

maybe.

..-. ..- -.-. -.-

11.05.21 @ 01:41 am

uggggggghhhhhh

l's theme B

:(

haven't feel good these days, but i'm managing, at least! unfortunately, everytime i think about that incident, my urges to do self harm appear, so that's bad. i dunno, but when i remember i feel this desperation, like insects croumbling on my body and i want to tear my hair off. it's tough and it makes me want to die already, but the only willpower i have is keeping me in place i guess... tough tough tough, i can't go to therapy because therapy costs money, money that i have to use for other important things. :( i would have never imagined this is what i would have become when i was 10 years old... but hey, shit happens! i try to stay positive, but there's never good news for me. that's how it has always been.

BUT HEY. ENOUGH OF THIS MISERABLE BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!

AHEM. recently, i always saw this video about a superheroe's cartoon about a dad beating the hell out of his child, then the same man killing some superheroes' team. i must say the artstyle took my attention, but i didn't watch it yet. it was until YESTERDAY that i begun watching 'invincible'-- omni man is the most powerful superhero on earth, that happens to be the dad of our protagonist: mark grayson. is then that mark, at 17 years old, awakens his powers and gets ready to be a hero like his dad. but is then that our poor mark realizes how fucked a fight between villains and heroes can be, along with lies around his dad surfaces when the heroe's league is killed.

i must say i liked invicible very much!! the animation is rlly good! i loved mark a lot, since i like when our protagonists get beaten everytime even when they are giving their all! .ﾟ☆(ノё∀ё)ノ☆ﾟ. there are some weird moments that seem rushed, but that's just maybe me being hmn. but overall, it's a good show! i didn't think i would like it that much, but here i am. but i must say the scenes between amber and mark are rather annoying, since the 'i am a hero, i keep it a secret thats why i'm late for everything' thrope is kind of irritating for me LOL. but i'll live.

WHAT ELSE........ i worked on a rpg maker game a couple of weeks ago, and the last thing i've been doing is pixel art. it does take a lot of your time, but it's really satisfying seeing it finished! i'm still trying to understand variables and switches... it's complicated when i'm a dumbass! (۶* ‘ꆚ’)۶” unfortunately, i haven't doing much now. work has been really stressful, so i havent touched much...

been working on another layout, but i really like my current one...oh! i've been collecting all the flash games i played when i was younger, so i'm doing a simple page to collect them there so others can play them. i've been playing some of them, and is really funny how i can beat them now LOL how silly!

also, fiona's shrine is being worked on again, so hopefully i can post it once it's over. it got a revamp since my folder somehow got deleted completely, that's why it took more time than expected. also, my computer can't be updated since it shut downs by itself, so hopefully that doesn't make things worse...

fuck :)

08.04.21 @ 11:00 pm

im utterly ded

great escape

DESTROYED

guess what people... attack on titan is FINISHED. that made my mind collapse with the last brain cell i had. it's sad when things you love end, you know? even more when thse things are the things that makes you go on. it sounds absurd, i know, but im so weak-minded that an anime was one of the reasons i like living. very stupid, but that's stupid me i guess...

the ending isn't one of the best, but it's not that horrible either. it was kind of meh, in my opinion, and it seems a lot of dialogue was not translated well. hopefully, perhaps an official translation would help a bit. because... "im glad you become a genocide for us" SOUNDS HORRIBLE ARMIN LMFAO!! NOOOOOO BABY!!! THATS NOW WHAT U STOOD FOR BABY!!

ALSO, i'm sorry, but where is MARCO? BERT? YMIR????????????????? if there was FUCKING SASHA, WHERE ARE THE OTHERS???? it would have been nice to see the previous cadets as mina, thomas-- just to remind us how it all begun.

Also... i'm sorry, but that eren dialogue of him speaking about "i don't want another guy to be with her!!!!!!!!!" is kind of ridiculous, but maybe i overlook things and i don't dig romance that much? i mean, i never saw that kind of love between them, but i guess is FUCKING CANON LMFAO. i can see the stupid ship wars going everybody.

i would have loved to see shadis again, but thats just me. i feel a few of the old characters reappering would have been nice, since jean and connie where with them too. they were all partners-- but i guess i understand them not being that important.

but............ MARCO? HELLO?

that ending panel was absurd. a little bit-- the same cliché 'strong wind saying goodbye' would have been better than the fucking bird, but i can see the bird being the 'thing that made it wonder' to eren, so whatever? perhaps there would be an epilogue, but i differ.

and also, I KNEW ISAYAMA WOULD CHANGE THE FINAL PANEL LMFAOOO. I KNEW IT!!!!! THE MOMENT I SAW THE PANEL ELSEWHERE I KNEW THIS BITCH CHANGED HIS MIND OMFG. i just knew. AND I ALSO KNEW IT WAS GRISHA!